I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
