You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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