I accidentally had phone sex last night
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
