Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
