Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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