haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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