whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
