my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
