I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize