i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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