That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
