How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize