Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize