Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
did i just pee glitter
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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