Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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