i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
