why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
