Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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