Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
did you just send me my own nude
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
