Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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