Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
