Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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