I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
