Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
