My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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