stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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