u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
