yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
