Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
