And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
