I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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