I want to walk on stilts...naked
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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