She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
