Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
