god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thus making me awesome and them whores
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
