Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
