My cat gives me a boner
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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