you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize