your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
