he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
