I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize