Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize