The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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