please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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