Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize