Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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