naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
