You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
