see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
