I am midnight drunk by noon
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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