Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
