i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
