He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
