There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
