there was a trapeze. enough said
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
