you didnt know i had herpes?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
