just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Randomize
