Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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