The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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