I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
