Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize