I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
