buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
