glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
