This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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