i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
