apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
