i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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