so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
