Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I need moral support for this bender
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
