The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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