alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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