I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize