I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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